If ever you get to choose your Superhero power I recommend you go for LISTENING.
It can be a world changing, life changing, valuable and important power to have.
And you can build this superhero power for yourself. A start here with a look at 10 quotes to stimulate thinking, tips and strategies for great listening.
1. “The difference between listening and pretending to listen, I discovered, is enormous. One is fluid, the other is rigid. One is alive, the other is stuffed. Eventually, I found a radical way of thinking about listening.
Real listening is a willingness to let the other person change you. When I’m willing to let them change me, something happens between us that’s more interesting than a pair of duelling monologues.”
Have you ever been involved in “duelling monologues”? I am embarrassed to confess I certainly have.
Imagine how different communication would be if each of us was open to what the other person is saying. If we all were willing to be changed by listening.
Recently I read a couple of Alan Alda’s very funny (well I thought very funny) books “Never Have Your Dog Stuffed: and Other Things I’ve Learned” and “Things I Overheard While Talking to Myself”. This I believe was from ‘Never Have Your Dog Stuffed …” (Please correct me in the Comments below if this is not right):
2. “When a person knows that he has a good listener to talk to, he’ll share his thoughts more fully, which in turn, makes it easier for the case worker to help him with his problems. And, moreover, as he talks, the person needing help often finds a good solution to his problems himself.”
This highlights a key benefit of great listening. Allowing a person to talk something through rather than jumping in with solutions and advice can enable a person to work out their own solutions.
Florence Hollis (1907-1987) was a social worker. While I have not read her textbook “Casework: A Psychosocial Therapy” it has been used in the education of social workers over many years.
3. “People love to talk but hate to listen. Listening is not merely not talking, though even that is beyond most of our powers; it means taking a vigorous, human interest in what is being told us.
You can listen like a blank wall or like a splendid auditorium where every sound comes back fuller and richer.”
If you like vivid word pictures to help you learn, the picture of listening “like a splendid auditorium” is a strong image. The challenge given is to really listen to understand, more than just not talking.
This quote is attributed to Alice Duer Miller(1874 – 1942) was a writer, poet and campaigner for women’s suffrage.
4. “We have two ears and only one tongue in order that we may hear more and speak less.”
It gives a simple equation to remind us of the ratio of listening to talking. It also reminds us how long listening has been a topic of thought and study – at least since Ancient Greece.
This quote is attributed to Diogenes Laertius, It would no doubt sound more eloquent in his original ancient language. He was writing biographies of the Greek Philosophers, probably sometime during the years 200 to 300 AD!
5. “The word ‘listen’ contains the same letters as the word ‘silent’.”
This quote is such a great reminder of a key ‘action’ of listening which is to be silent and still.
Unusually, this quote is not from a psychologist, or listening expert but from Alfred Brendel a classical musician.
You can listen to Alfred Brendel play in the clip below. Maybe while you read on for further tips about becoming a ‘Listening Superhero’.
6. “Seek first to understand then be understood“
As one of 7 Habits Stephen Covey devotes an entire “Habit” to listening and working to understand. Briefly described HERE. Listening is a key component of seeking to understand another person.
Found in full in the very popular and helpful The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. My own copy bought many years ago is well worn, well read, and still useful. Apparently I am one of the 25 million copies sold in 40 languages around the world.
7. “When you’ve learned how to Listen, well that’s when you’ve learned everything you need to know in your life!”
This gives hope that listening can be learned, it throws out the challenge that it is a life long process, and gives weight to how important real listening is.
Glynn David Harris has the fascinating title of 1999 Listener of the Year through the International Listening Association.
Is that maybe close to being a Listening Superhero?
On the website in addition to a list of previous winners, including both Michelle and Barak Obama, there are interviews and clips from this years winner about listening.
8. “It is the province of knowledge to speak
And it is the privilege of wisdom to listen.”
This provides a thoughtful answer to a question that often arises about listening. It usually goes along the lines of “How do you know, what I know, if I don’t tell you?
Wiser to listen.
Attributed to Oliver Wendell Holmes Snr, a physician, poet, professor, lecturer, and author (1809 – 1894).
9. “I find I am more effective when I can listen acceptantly to myself, and can be myself”
It is also helpful to listen to yourself. Acknowledging the thoughts and feelings you have about the person you are listening to. Understanding and accepting yourself as you are (with your imperfections).
“On Becoming a Person” by Carl Rogers first published in 1961, is still very relevant. I find my dog-eared copy well worth revisiting. Not just about listening, it also provides much guidance and insight on person centred practice. Psychotherapy is the focus, yet it has relevance in many areas of life particularly when ‘helping’.
10. “The next time you get into an argument with your wife, or your friend, or with a small group of friends, just stop the discussion for a moment and for an experiment, institute this rule. “Each person can speak up for himself only after he has first restated the ideas and feelings of the previous speaker accurately and to that speaker’s satisfaction”.
Carl Rogers suggests we try out this strategy.
Go on – try it. What a great exercise for practicing the skill of listening to understand. For more information go to page 332 “On Becoming a Person” by Carl R. Rogers (1995, Houghton Mifflin Company).
LISTENING
The different eras, lifestyles, and careers of the people quoted here reflect just how important listening is in all our lives across place and time.
What key themes do you see in the quotes? I notice silence and attention featuring a lot – quite different from those “duelling monologues” Alan Alda described at the beginning.
Yes Listening would be the Superhero skill I would wish for! Meantime I will keep practicing.
The Art of Listening
If you are wanting more practical stuff this SlideShare presentation by shivakumar on Listening provides additional helpful tips;
And Finally
If it is a simple start you are after. At a Stephen Covey workshop I attended many years ago the leader gave us a helpful summary for LISTENING:
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Be a faithful human mirror
- Put your ego on the shelf
- Put your agenda on hold
- Put your watch in your pocket
- Find a safe place to listen.
- And don’t be afraid of silence
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If you have any favourite quotes about LISTENING please share them in the comments below. And good luck with your LISTENING superhero power.
